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Archive for June 9th, 2009

When I bought Cass it was purely for selfish reasons. Yes, we were saving her life and the life of her unborn (at the time) foal, but I got her to help me cope with what I knew was coming. That being the eventual deaths of the majority of our dogs, especially Ramirez. The past few weeks with Ramirez being so sick and on the verge, at times, of that death, going to the barn has been my salvation.

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I was one of those little girls that ate, drank and breathed horses. I drew horses. I wrote about horses. I read about horses. Every summer on our trip to Kentucky Lake we usually spent one afternoon out on a very controlled trail ride. I used my vivid imagination to concoct all sorts of cowgirl scenarios when sauntering along with the group, yet hiding my terror of actually be up on such a huge animal. But, for the most part I was never any closer to a real horse than standing outside the paddock watching the jockeys mount up at our local horse track. Going to the track was a frequent outing with my dad. He would be off studying the racing form  and placing bets and he knew he could always find me standing at the paddock drinking in the horses. Back in those days, you could take your child somewhere like that and let them go off on their own.

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When I pull up at Cassidyland it’s a different world, away from the heartache and pain so intense at home now. With Cass & Becca there is beauty and grace. At home, what was once so graceful can no longer walk on his own. With Cass & Becca there is peace and comfort. At home, we struggle trying to give peace and comfort to our special boy. With Cass & Becca, I see the trust earned after a life knowing harshness and fear. At home, we desperately try to not let our boy’s trust in us waver, but he is feeling fear now for the first time.

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Scottie & I are barely getting any sleep but we will do what we need to in order for Ramirez to comfortably sleep. I’m proud of how the two of us are able to work together for him and not even have to speak out loud. Our entire married life is with this minpin we named Ramirez. He’s named after a movie character who is immortal. Oh, how I pray that could be true. How I wish we could go back to 1993 when he was a youngster and we had gathered the remaining members of our holy trinity, Jack & Rebecca. What an absolutely awesome family we put together without even knowing it. We sure know it now. We lost Jack in 2003, Rebecca in 2006 and now it’s 2009.

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Cass and I also have an unspoken language. She is my heart’s desire come to life. She’s the horse I drew as a child. She’s who I wrote about. She will be my salvation when my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Ramirez is struggling now and he may leave us soon to join Jack & Rebecca. His impact on our lives will never be duplicated. He was the first. He taught us. He gave me the strength to take on the challenge of my heart’s desire, though he holds my heart for now and always.

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